I am standing on the brink of a new chapter, a new season of life. (I’m sitting in the middle of my very messy living room with absolutely no motivation to clean it because I’m 35 weeks pregnant and over it). But in all honesty, I am about two weeks from quitting my dream job of three years because I am pregnant with my third child. This date of departure from this job has been coming. My husband and I talked about it before I was ever pregnant with this child. Our oldest will be going to pre-k in the fall and I want to be there for my kids’ school years. So, when I got pregnant and the due date was a couple of months before the start of school, it was a readjustment but not a complete 360 turn.
As this date looms closer, however, I am feeling more and more confused and torn. Like the two parts within me are butting heads like little goats at a petting zoo. I know my biggest priority and calling is to my husband and my kids. My guilt when I don’t have food in the fridge or plans for supper, or when the house is a wreck is very much there. When I’m short-tempered with my kids because I haven’t really been a parent for two days and my mom or my mother-in-law have had to be that role for me, that hurts me. I want to be the fun mom that has activities and crafts planned for her kids. One that has the house neat… not perfect, but at least not looking like the set for Hoarders.
On the other hand, this job has been one that I have dreamed of having since I was 8 years old. It is incredibly life-giving to me and a place where I am valued as more than being the snack giver or the butt wiper. To be in a place whose main goal is to bring honor to God through a means is a passion of mine. Where I can have incredibly meaningful conversations with coworkers and guests. A place where I can be myself and remember what it was like to be me before kids.
A small corner of my heart (okay, a pretty big corner) is loudly stomping its little foot and saying, “And why can’t I be selfish!? Why can’t I do both? My job is my ministry, where I can reach people and do good for the Kingdom. And as a bonus, I am keeping my sanity by being away from my kids and getting my ‘me time.’ Why do other moms get to do both and do it so flawlessly?” But then the Lord gently takes my rebelling heart and sits it on his lap (still kicking its little feet, mind you) and says, “But I have called you on a different path. You are to do this one thing and to do it with excellence. Don’t look at what the others are doing around you, you follow me. I gave you a gift when I gave you your husband and your children, and I gave you a gift when I gave you this job. Don’t diminish my gift by lamenting how short the season was; rejoice that it happened. I will continue to give you gifts in these seasons. Don’t overlook them because some are short or some are long, take the gift and savor it for such a time as this.”
As my heart stills its rebellious kicking I come to realize I need to trust my shepherd now more than ever and follow his voice. That even when he leads me on paths that I am confused by he really does have me and my baby lambs in the safest place possible: near to his heart.
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